Indestructible Human Blog

Ask Tonic’s Coach Jan/Feb 2021 Your time to shine By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: “So much has changed in my life over the last year and I feel like I am stuck. How can I get unstuck and make progress towards my goals?” -Finlay A: Finlay, the feeling of being stuck is more common than ever, especially with so much out of our control. However, one of the things we can do is focus on what we can control and make the kinds of changes that move us closer and closer to what we actually want. Ask yourself the following questions and the answers should help you create some movement to begin the process of getting you unstuck: 1. What do you really need and want? Getting clear about what you need and want is an important first step. Without a destination in mind, it is almost impossible to get there. 2. What do you control between where you are and where you want to be? Focusing on what you can control and letting go of what you can’t is important t...

Ask Tonic’s Coach May/June 2020 What can you control? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: “With so much uncertainty in the world today, I find myself feeling a bit overwhelmed with my thoughts. Sometimes it interferes with my sleep and I feel tense most of the time. Is there anything you can suggest?” -Crystal A: Crystal, there are a lot of people feeling the way you are, especially now, because what is going on in the world. Even when a person isn’t directly affected, it can still have a negative effect. If you feel like you can’t manage your feelings, you may want to speak to your family physician about support from a psychologist or counsellor. If you are feeling like you are in a crisis, then there are crisis hotlines available in your area that you can find by performing an internet search. If you feel that your feelings are manageable, keep reading. When we start to feel overwhelmed about a situation, it can help to ask yourself these ques...

Ask Tonic’s Coach March/April 2020 Total, complete failure By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: “So New Years has come and gone and yet again, I had set a resolution only to watch it crumble away barely a month later. I feel like a total, complete failure. What can I do to stop being such a loser and turn this around? Or have I just proven to myself, yet again, that I should just accept my inability to set a goal and stick to it?” -Jakob A: Jakob, rather than see your past challenges as proof of some inadequacy, you have the option to see those situations as lessons. It is much more empowering to seek meaning from than stew in the missed expectations. As for resolutions, the most resolutions are not achieved, so you’re in good company. What will make a positive difference for you is a strategy that you can implement any time for any goal. Here are the basic elements of one such strategy: 1. Get really clear about what you want to achieve, bu...

Ask Tonic’s Coach January/February 2020 Overwhelmed by opportunities By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: “I feel bad about writing this, but everything in my life is pretty great. My challenge is that I seem to have so many opportunities in front of me that I am overwhelmed and get stuck trying to figure out what to do. How do I keep moving?” -Parminder A: Parminder, firstly, you don’t need to feel bad about your life being “pretty great”; that is terrific news. In fact, the challenge you are describing is similar to what many people encounter when they feel like they have too many choices to make or too many challenges to overcome. That sense of overwhelm is your brain and heart doing their best to satisfy all your wants and needs but potentially not having enough resources to get through it all. Here are a few tips to both free up some energy and make the best choices possible: 1. Decide when you want to work through the decision-making p...

Ask Tonic’s Coach November/December 2019 Why am I afraid of what I want? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: “I am really clear about what I want (to start my own business), but I seem to be paralyzed in getting things going. I have a good job that pays the bills, but I want my own company. How do I stop being afraid of what I want? -Campbell A: Campbell, you are encountering what holds back most people from what they want. Your “good” is keeping you from your “great.” What that means is that you are stuck between a good job and a great opportunity. Because you have a good job that pays the bills, there isn’t enough pain to push you towards your goal. On the other side, you have some uncertainty around what you don’t have yet (the new business). In coaching, we can do some “time-travelling” to explore different scenarios and create more energy around taking the best steps forward. Here are some questions to help you get more clarity: 1. Imag...

Ask Tonic’s Coach Summer 2019 Should Parents Compete? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: As a divorced mom of two teenage boys, I find it really hard to compete with my ex, who is the “fun” parent. I feel like I am always the one holding our boys to the rules while they are used to playing video games all day and watching TV all night. What can I do?” -Lidia A: Lidia, families with two homes are often, but not always, a struggle to balance. You are a different person than your ex, so your parenting style will also be different. There are a number of things at play here and while some solid counselling could be beneficial, I believe you can work through much of it yourself. Have you had a non-confrontational conversation with your ex about parenting? If not, this is a great place to start. If you can both agree that what is best for the boys should direct the decision making, then you’re more likely to agree on what rules are needed. Have you ta...

Ask Tonic’s Coach June 2019 What makes a “good” dad? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: With Father’s Day happening at this time of year, I get down about whether or not I am a “good” dad. What can I do to shore up how I feel about myself? -Jefferson A: Jefferson, the role of the father continues to evolve as society continues to evolve, which makes for an ever-changing challenge for us dads. We might see, hear or read something one week only to hear something contradictory the following week. Regardless what is happening externally, what is most important, as you alluded to, is what is happening internally with how you feel about yourself. Your “blueprint” for what a good dad is comes from a number of places including all the role-models (real and imagined) you have been exposed to, as well as what your childhood was like. If your blueprint is some kind of “perfect” dad, then you’ll likely fall short almost every time. If your blueprint is poo...

Ask Tonic’s Coach May 2019 The double edge of introspection By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: I have recently introduced meditation into my personal health and wellness routine, and I find myself struggling with some of the negative stuff I am experiencing. I am hearing myself being critical as I attempt to quiet my mind and it is very distracting. Is there anything you can suggest that may help? -Wilton A: Wilton, what you are experiencing is what I sometimes refer to as the double edge of introspection. When we meditate, we hope to achieve a sense of calmness, clarity, peace, or some other positive state. Unfortunately, what many new meditators experience is the static of negative self-talk, self-criticism, and emotional noise. This is part of the process, so the fact that you are experiencing this is a good indication you are actually doing well, because you are paying attention to your thoughts and feelings. You may not be experiencing the...

Ask Tonic’s Coach April 2019 Doubt is acceptable; Inaction is not By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: Whenever an opportunity presents itself to me, either at work or in a social situation, I doubt myself to an extent that it has sabotaged some potentially great things in my life. What can I do? -Bettina A: Bettina, doubt is normally a fantastic part of our human psyche, because it helps us assess situations to avoid physical or emotional pain. It is kind of a safety valve for us when assessing an opportunity. For some of us, doubt can quickly grow out of control and either paralyze us or slow us down enough that we miss an opportunity. On the flip side of the equation, if you jumped at every opportunity that came along, you might make some less-than-ideal decisions. Healthy doubt keeps you safe, while unhealthy doubt robs you of taking advantage of good opportunities. The source of your doubt may be somewhere in your childhood (a parent or othe...

Ask Tonic’s Coach March 2019 I want to but I can’t By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: Hi Rod, I want to start my own business as a registered massage therapist (RMT) but I can’t seem to get things going. I am really passionate about what I do, and everyone who experiences my work thinks it’s awesome, but I don’t know how to get enough clients to survive. I really don’t want to go back to the office job I used to have. -Jorgen A: Jorgen, you are facing a common challenge. Almost every entrepreneur who is skill-based (think chefs, personal trainers, etc.) are really passionate about what they do, and yet struggle make a successful business of it. Here are some of the things you can ask yourself and get things going: 1) What are the areas you need help with? If you are passionate about massage, you may be weaker in areas such as marketing, accounting and legal issues. You can either get stronger in those areas or hire people to do those things...

Ask Tonic’s Coach February 2019 Why won’t anyone love me? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: Hi Rod, I seem to go from relationship to relationship and even though things start out amazing, either they cheat on me or I end up cheating on them. It is like my relationships hit the 6-week mark and we stop being attracted to each other or they just don’t like me anymore. Will I ever find love? -JC A: JC, there may be a lot more to your situation than we can cover here, so I hope you are also seeking additional support elsewhere, such as with a psychologist or other therapist. In the meantime, the necessary first question is, “what do you want?” You might answer with “love” or “a relationship,” but you can go deeper than this. What does love mean to you and what does a healthy relationship look like to you? When you define these things more clearly, you have an opportunity to filter out potential relationships that fulfil only temporary needs. It is...

Ask Tonic’s Coach January 2019 Who do you really want to be? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: I am a 45-year-old man and I think I am having a mid-life crisis. My life is pretty good overall, but I just feel like I’ve wasted the last 45 years. I’m not depressed or anything like that; I just want to be a better version of myself -Alex A: Alex, what you are going through is very common. When people get to their 40s, they often question what they’ve been doing. Because we, as humans, crave approval and connection, when we feel we’ve misspent time, it can create doubt and resentment. While having emotions have helped us become successful as humans, it can also create regret, and you haven’t wasted any of the last 45 years; you have been getting ready for the next phase of your life. While you may also want to speak to psychologist about anything in the past that may be affecting your mental state, what I can help you with as a coach is to focus o...

Ask Tonic’s Coach December 2018 Why are you waiting for someone else? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: Ever since I was little, I have been waiting for my parents to be proud of me and now that I am grown up I seem to be repeating this because my boss doesn’t seem to recognize me and even my friends don’t seem to appreciate me. When will people start appreciating me? -Jen A: Jen, what you are describing appears to be a recurring theme in your life. We all crave recognition from others from time to time, and when we go without it, it can make us feel invisible. The reality is that giving praise in any form isn’t an obligation on anyone else’s part. Here are some empowering questions to help create clarity. 1. Did your parents grow up in an environment where praise was hard to come by? This could have been in a different culture, amongst many siblings, or different social circumstances. 2. Have you communicated with your boss how import...

Ask Tonic’s Coach November 2018 What are your rules? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: I know what I want to accomplish, and I know everything I need to accomplish it, but I still find myself sabotaging myself by wasting time doing silly things like watching hours of television, surfing the net, laundry, or anything except what I need to be doing. -Ahmad A: Ahmad, there may be a number of things going on, but you sound like the perfect candidate for hiring a coach. It may be that with a little accountability, you are more likely to stay on track. At the end of the day, even the world’s best coach won’t accomplish your goal for you, but that’s not what you want anyway. Let’s do a check on where you are at by first asking the following questions: 1. When was the last time you revisited your goals? You may believe you know what you want, but sometimes we get numb to our goals because they are too big or not as interesting to us anymore. 2. ...

Ask Tonic’s Coach September 2018 Balancing intellect and emotion By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: I create plans for things all the time (new year’s resolutions, new diet, new exercise program, etc.) and then somewhere along the way I get derailed and fall back into bad habits. How can stop this frustrating cycle of failure? -Delvana A: Delvana, you are experiencing what sounds like the neurological battle we all go through when seeking to make a change, and you are wired to react the way you are. However, there is something you can do about it. The human brain was designed and has evolved to keep us safe, happy and alive. Without going into technical terms, we are wired to be governed by our emotions much more easily than our intellect. You may create a plan intellectually, but as soon as emotions swell up, your brain will throw that plan out the window. This is why a great diet will be tossed out by a broken heart. Having said that, there a...

Ask Tonic’s Coach Summer 2018 Should you ask why or what? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: I am really frustrated. My fiancé of three years broke up with me and moved to another city. I have asked him “why” many times, but he never gives me a solid answer. How can I go on if I don’t know? -Genevieve A: Genevieve, you are in the middle of something many people go through even if the exact details are unique to your situation. We encounter many situations in life where we’d like to know “why” something happened or why someone did something or didn’t do something. It is unfortunate that your ex-fiancé won’t give you more detail, but ultimately that is his decision and while not what you want, you can accept it. You could spend a lot of time and energy on guessing why he did what he did, but without his participation, you still won’t have resolution. In the absence of an answer to “why?” you can ask a different question, which is “what now?” By r...

Ask Tonic’s Coach June 2018 Why you can’t change anyone By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: I’ve been married for almost ten years and recently bettered myself by stopping smoking, exercising regularly, eating better, losing weight and generally taking better care of myself. My husband, on the other hand, hasn’t changed a bit. What can I do to change him? -Matilda A: Matilda, congratulations on making several big changes in your life; you seem to have found ways to make positive changes and be consistent with them. Based on your question, would it be fair to say you want your husband to be a different person than the man you married? It is important to acknowledge that while we can influence another person, we cannot force them to change. Change comes from within, often due to either internal or external stressors. Typically, if most or all of our needs are met within a given lifestyle, there is little need for us to change. We are wired to see...

Ask Tonic’s Coach May 2018 Are you allergic to money? By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: When I was young I was taught that “money is the root of all evil.” I want to make more money, but I also want to be a good person. How do I get to a point that money isn’t such a stress for me? -Elaine A: Elaine, is a stress for many people and the cause of many relationship breakups. Part of the reason for this is that we all need to pay the bills and live our lives, but some people live beyond their means. You appear to have what I call, “an allergy to money.” When you are allergic to money, you have a built-in reaction to money, either mishandling it (spend too much) or pushing it away (sabotage jobs where you can make more money). When you put your feelings about money in the right place, it will be an incredible relief. If you don’t already have a good understanding of your own budget (how much money comes in and goes out), that is the best place to s...

Ask Tonic’s Coach Apr 2018 Detoxing from that toxic relationship By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: I got divorced two years ago, after a 12-year marriage that ended really poorly. I still feel angry about how it ended and want to move on. Any suggestions on how I can do this? -Chris A: Chris, relationships can be challenging at the best of times, and when they don't work out, it is inevitable that there will be some work to be done, especially ending poorly after 12 years. Without knowing the details, I can tell you that whatever happened doesn't matter as much as what you do about it now. It is natural to look back, but keep in mind that the more time you spend doing so is time taken away from helping you create the kind of life you want. What are you doing on a regular basis, that you love? It is critical to feed our souls with activities that are experiential that create lasting, positive memories. Travel, learning, and being in nat...

Ask Tonic’s Coach Mar 2018 When men lose their mojo By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach Q: I am a 50-year-old divorced man, and I feel like I am going through a “mid-life crisis.” Nothing is wrong; I just feel like I’ve lost my “mojo” and can’t seem to get it back. -Jim A: Jim, it is quite common for men to go through a time of reflection when they reach their 40s and 50s. This reflection is often because we’ve lived long enough to get the things done we were “supposed” to get done (career, home, family, etc.). However, there is sometimes a sense that something is missing and it may be that we haven’t self-actualized. While these feelings are common, occasionally it can warrant a conversation with your family doctor. If you feel this is the case, or you’ve had any more severe symptoms, I encourage you to seek out that advice. In the meantime, there are a lot of things you can do to “get your mojo back.” Is there something you’ve always wanted to do...