Should you ask why or what?

Ask Tonic’s Coach Summer 2018

Should you ask why or what?

By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach

Q: I am really frustrated. My fiancé of three years broke up with me and moved to another city. I have asked him “why” many times, but he never gives me a solid answer. How can I go on if I don’t know?
-Genevieve

A: Genevieve, you are in the middle of something many people go through even if the exact details are unique to your situation. We encounter many situations in life where we’d like to know “why” something happened or why someone did something or didn’t do something. It is unfortunate that your ex-fiancé won’t give you more detail, but ultimately that is his decision and while not what you want, you can accept it.

You could spend a lot of time and energy on guessing why he did what he did, but without his participation, you still won’t have resolution. In the absence of an answer to “why?” you can ask a different question, which is “what now?”

By reframing the situation to be about now and the future, you can take the vital step towards creating the life you want. Ask yourself the following questions and ensure the answers are in the positive (i.e. I want to be happy), not the negative (I want to stop being sad).

1. What do you want to be feeling now and in the future? (answers might include happiness, joy, calm, etc.)

2. What do you want to be experiencing now and in the future? (answers might include adventure, connection, purpose, etc.)

3. What do you want to be seeing now and in the future? (answers might include smiles, family, etc.)

4. What do you want to be hearing now and in the future? (answers might include how grateful people are for you, that people are delighted to know you, that you are proud of yourself, etc.)

All too often, we get caught up in the story we have created around a relationship, a job, a situation and so on. When we focus on ourselves and what we want, instead of trying to cling to something that is in the past, we can actually put all that energy into the amazing life that awaits us.
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Combining over 30 years in the field of self-development, Rod is the CEO of the Certified Coaches Federation, one of the largest coach education companies in the world, and a speaker, coach and author. For more information on the Certified Coaches Federation, visit www.certifiedcoachesfederation.com 

Want to ask Tonic’s Coach a question? Send a brief email to rod@certifiedcoachesfederation.com describing your challenge in 50 words or less, and one question will be selected per issue.

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