Detoxing from that toxic relationship

Ask Tonic’s Coach Apr 2018

Detoxing from that toxic relationship

By Rod Macdonald, Certified Coach Practitioner and Tonic’s Resident Coach

Q: I got divorced two years ago, after a 12-year marriage that ended really poorly. I still feel angry about how it ended and want to move on. Any suggestions on how I can do this?
-Chris

A: Chris, relationships can be challenging at the best of times, and when they don't work out, it is inevitable that there will be some work to be done, especially ending poorly after 12 years.

Without knowing the details, I can tell you that whatever happened doesn't matter as much as what you do about it now. It is natural to look back, but keep in mind that the more time you spend doing so is time taken away from helping you create the kind of life you want.

What are you doing on a regular basis, that you love? It is critical to feed our souls with activities that are experiential that create lasting, positive memories. Travel, learning, and being in nature are examples that work for many people.

Are you surrounding yourself with people that support you? Being around people (social media doesn't count) that care about you is critical to being happy. Family is great, but it is even better if you have at least a few close friends. If not, you can be with people with similar interests and create new connections that support you (think book club, running group, etc.)

Are you aware of your own needs and how you communicate them? One of my favourite books on relationships is "The Five Love Languages." When you know what you need and what other people need, you will find relationships much more enjoyable.

Will you let go? Whether it is your marriage or any other kind of loss, being able to let go of the pain is important to moving on. Remind yourself that both you and your partner did the best you could, given the emotional resources you had at the time.

You won't forget, and you may not want to forgive, but you can let go of your anger when you accept it is covering the pain you feel. Let go of the pain and replace it with happiness that you cultivate yourself. The happier you are, the more you will love yourself. When this happens, you will attract people to you because you emanate what they want.

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Combining over 30 years in the field of self-development, Rod is the CEO of the Certified Coaches Federation, one of the largest coach education companies in the world, and a speaker, coach and author. For more information on the Certified Coaches Federation, visit www.certifiedcoachesfederation.com 

Want to ask Tonic’s Coach a question? Send a brief email to rod@certifiedcoachesfederation.com describing your challenge in 50 words or less, and one question will be selected per issue.

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